Proceeding in life when only one dream has come true!
Life has taken more crazy turns than I can keep up with sometimes. I lost my Mom to #Alzheimers and the loss hit harder than I realized. Though I had a lot of time to say goodbye, all the things I missed or never appreciated when she was alive-I mean alive before the dreadful disease took over- came back to haunt me. Funny though, the things I thought I didn’t appreciate, also turned out to be the very things I missed. For example, I like to argue and so did she. It was mostly over methodologies. I didn’t care about the route I took to get an end result as much as she did. I believe if the result is what you want or need then who cares how you got there! The little things often resonate the loudest when they are no longer there! I have spent a lot of time thinking about life-my life in specific. My dreams…and I had a lot… stopped coming true after the first one. My life seemed to keep going in a downward trajectory mainly because of job loss and my health. Not having access to regular medical care can take its toll! Our inhumane politicians don’t really give a crap about us and my declining health is proof of that!
Medical “Insurance”
My fibroids came back around 2013 but have gotten so bad my hemoglobin has been teetering between 10.0 and 7 for the last 2 years. May 23rd, 2020, after many close calls over blood loss, I ended up in the hospital with massive blood loss and almost died. Fun day! The “insurance” I was sold by a sheisty insurance agent has only afforded me bare minimum care. In actuality it’s like still not having care at all. I was misdiagnosed several times and not one “doctor” under this “insurance” plan did the proper testing to figure out exactly how to proceed. They just wanted to gut me like a fish and move on. Had I allowed them to do this, I would have died or suffered for the next several years of my life where, I would be praying for death! I decided to go with my gut feelings and keep searching for sensible medical practitioners! I have another consult soon that will decide my fate. Luckily I have no cancers or other underlying issues but the dream of having a mini-me has been crushed. The sadness that comes with knowing only one of my life’s dreams has ever come true…that was going to Paris, Fr…is overwhelming. Some would say and have said be grateful for the one. WHY SHOULD I JUST BE HAPPY WITH ONE DREAM COMING TRUE??? You can’t tell me you wouldn’t be sad and disappointed and would just be grateful for the one!! Tell the truth and shame the devil! People are so basic sometimes! I will keep you posted.
Faith…the dust of a mustard seed
Losing all that blood and feeling the life drain out of me was eye-opening! I felt as if I lost part of my soul. I went through yet another crisis of faith! Scripture tells us we only need faith the size of a mustard seed. However, my mustard seed was crushed into dust many, many times! Sounds crazy but I have no more nice left in me! Those who know me well, know I’ve always had a mean streak. It’s worse now! Zero filters! And missing my Mom has made it even harder! I was tired of social media and more especially, I had enough of Facebook’s sh** ! Some people, who I thought had common sense well, I discovered I know way too many stupid people! I deleted my page so I thought. I guess Facebook thought I meant to just deactivate it and never deleted it. Maybe this was the universes way of telling me to rebuild my faith on the dust left over from the crushed mustard seed. We shall see!